A bitter personal analysis based on your font choices

The Journalism Hivemind and I were getting a bit punchy near the end of the semester last year, so we started a running list of fonts that were seeming to pop up in class assignments, departmental memos, formal decrees and other correspondence that really bugged us.

We started our bitter streak with a simple prompt:

Pick a font and then tell me something harsh it says about the people who use it.

What follows is a good-natured look into the darkest recesses of our souls. Enjoy:

Luxurious Script: You spend half your work day practicing your married name, even though you aren’t even dating anyone.

Cochin Italic: You think your unwanted sexual advances against female coworkers are charming office banter because nobody can resist your appeal.

Fuzzy Bubbles: Your life goal was to be a kindergarten teacher, but for all the wrong reasons.

Calibri: You don’t know how to change fonts in Word and your grandson has stopped returning your phone calls.

Bauhaus 93: You are stuck in the 1980s, Miami Vice edition.

American Typewriter: You use the word “manifesto” in casual conversation way, way, way too often.

Arial Black: You probably yell at the counter help at the airport about having to pay a check-bag fee.

Stencil: You play at least five hours of “Medal of Honor” games each night and you can’t do three pushups without vomiting.

Baskerville: Tell me you wrote 20% too long without telling me you wrote 20% too long.

Ouch: You are a receptionist at a doctor’s office

Fraktur: You are a member of a white supremacist militia, which you always refer to as “a certain social club.”

Copperplate: The font says “formal proclamation,” while your professor knows you were thinking, “How do I get to the page count for this essay without doing any more actual work?”

Comic Sans: You have ten different substitution requests for your restaurant order. You have a desperate need to be liked. You try to achieve this by being unassuming and giggly. It’s not working.

Cracked: You want people to think you’re dangerous and edgy. You are not. Stay away from the skate park and get back to your mother’s basement where your PBJ with the crusts cut off awaits you and your 8Chan alter-ego.

Papyrus: You’re stuck in the 80s and still have Aqua Net-infused mall hair or a mullet. You think this font says you’re unique. What it really screams is desperate for someone to take away your blue eye shadow or Stetson cologne. You also know you hate Calibri but don’t actually know anything about fonts.

Old English: When you encounter your fellow Live Action Role Players in public, you greet them in iambic pentameter. OR (insert forearm FAMILY tattoo….)

Jalapeño: You really really really want it to be taco Tuesday every day

Courier: Your favorite color is beige. You wear thick glasses. You abhor all technology. You wish it was still 1954.

Century Schoolbook: You keep a constant watch over your red Swingline stapler, which you non-ironically acquired before it became a pop culture icon in “Office Space.”

Roboto Light: You think you’re too cool for Times New Roman. You’re not cool, you aging hipster. Get over yourself.

Lucida Handwriting: For those who want to give that little extra “human touch” when writing creepy anonymous stalker letters to neighbors about where they place their garbage cans.

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