If there are any other cliche-like items I’d like to see ending this year, they would include:
- Unprecedented: Look, we get that you can’t say, “Man, this stuff is even more f!$%ed up than that LAST f*&%ed up thing we told you!” However, break out the thesaurus for another term.
- Inflection Point: I watched “The Inventor: Out for blood in Silicon Valley” where Theranos leader Elizabeth Holmes kept using this to describe disastrous moments in her fraudulent company. Suddenly, it was showing up on talk shows, news programs and even football broadcasts. If what you want to say is, “We were doing stuff until suddenly we had to rethink a lot of stuff because everything went to hell in a speedboat,” I’m all for that. Just find a new term.
- Liberal media: Stop. Just stop. Unless the newspaper is wearing a pukka shell necklace or calling for stuff that only showed up in hippie-era songs, it’s probably not that liberal. Even if it is, that’s one outlet, not the industry.
- Fake News: It’s not fake just because you don’t like it. Calling it fake won’t make it disappear, either. If this worked on everything, I’d be screaming “FAKE NEWS” into a bowl of broccoli every chance I got.
- Quaran- words: I’ve seen quaran-baking, quaran-babies, quarantine 15 and more. Stop trying to make this a thing. It’s bordering on “fetch.”
With that, here is a look back at the holiday cliches we all know and hate:
The holiday season brings a lot of things to a lot of people, including family, gifts, joy and faith. Unfortunately for journalists, it also brings a ton of horrible, well-worn phrases that sap your readers’ will to live.
I tapped into the hivemind of jaded journos who were nice enough to come up with their least favorite holiday cliches. Avoid these like you avoid the kid in class with a cough, runny nose and pink-eye:
Turkey Day: The event is called Thanksgiving, so give thanks for journalists who don’t use this cliche. In fact, it took almost 300 years for turkey to become a staple of this event, so you might as well call it “Venison Thursday,” if you’re trying to be accurate.
T-Day: Regardless of if you are “turkey perplexed” or not, you’re compounding the problem with the above cliche with simple laziness. That, and you’re really going to create some panic among distracted news viewers in the military.
‘tis the season: According to a few recent stories, ’tis the season for car break-ins, holiday entertaining, to propose marriage, to get bugs in your kitchen and to enjoy those Equal Employment Opportunity Commission year-end reports!
The White Stuff: Unless you are in a “Weird Al” cover band or running cocaine out of Colombia, you can skip this one.
A white Christmas: The only people who ever enjoyed a white Christmas were bookies, Bing Crosby’s agent and weather forecasters who appear to be on some of “the white stuff.”
Ho-ho-ho: It’s ho-ho-horrible how many pointless uses of this phrase turn up on a simple news search on Google. None of these things are helped by the inclusion of this guttural noise.
On the naughty list: The toys “on the naughty list” in this story “all have some type of hazard that could send a child to the hospital. The majority pose a choking hazard but parents should be aware of strangulation, burns, eye injuries, and more.” Including a cliche diminishes the seriousness of this a bit. Also, don’t use this with crime stories around the holidays: The first person to find a story that says Senate candidate Roy Moore, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K. or Kevin Spacey landed “on the naughty list,” please send it to me immediately for evisceration.
Charlie Brown tree: Spoken of as something to avoid. You mean you want to avoid having a tree that demonstrated looks aren’t everything and that tries to capture the true deeper meaning of Christmas? Yep. Can’t have that stuff.
“Christmas starts earlier every year…” : Easter, maybe. Christmas, no. It’s the same time every year. Check your calendar and stop this.
War on Christmas: Be a conscientious objector in this cliched battle, please.
“… found coal in their stockings”: Apply the logic of “on the naughty list” here and you get the right idea. The story on the Air Force getting coal for Christmas after tweeting that Santa wasn’t real could have done without the cliche. Then again, maybe we’d all be better off if the Air Force was right, given the picture included with the story.
Making a list, checking it twice: A all-knowing fat man has a list of people who are naughty and nice and will dole out rewards and punishments accordingly. Sounds cute when it’s Santa, but less so when an editorial is using this to talk about Steve Bannon. Let’s be careful out there…
Grinch: There is probably an inverse relationship between the number of people who try to use this cliche and those who actually get it right. Let’s let John Oliver explain:
Jingle all the way: Nothing warms the heart like an in-depth financial analysis of a multi-national retailer like a random reference to Jingle Bells.
Dashing through the snow: This product pitch isn’t improved by the cliche, but it might help you survive hearing the use of it over and over and over…
It’s beginning to look a lot like…: Well, it apparently looks a lot like Christmas for small businesses, at Honolulu’s city hall, through a $1.5 million investment in lights at a Canadian park, and at a mall in Virginia. It’s also looking a lot like 2006 in the NFC. Oh, and it’s beginning to look a lot like Watergate as well. Get ready with that naughty list and coal, I guess…
Wishing you all the best in this season of cliche…
Vince (The Doctor of Paper)