The Junk Drawer: A laugh before dying, Election 2020 edition

Honey? I can’t find our Western-style democracy… Yes, I’m looking in the junk drawer…

Welcome to this edition of the junk drawer. As we have outlined in previous junk drawer posts, this is a random collection of stuff that is important but didn’t fit anywhere else, much like that drawer in the kitchen of most of our homes.

It’s election day, I’m practically brain dead this morning and I think we all could use a laugh, so here’s my best effort:


Don’t tell Baker Mayfield’s wife!

Nothing like a typo to turn a rhetorical question that sounds like something the late sports announcer Mel Allen would say into something that sounds like the QB for the Browns is looking for some side action:

Speaking of “That’s not what we meant…”


Are we not doing “phrasing” anymore? Well, Obama is:

Maybe the greatest line I have seen in any election story in the 1,253,312 years of this election cycle came from this story, which covered an exchange between an excited Democrat and Barack Obama:

In Miami Springs, Fla., where Barack Obama visited last week, an eager volunteer cried out “you were my first!” and the former president thanked her, before gently suggesting a rephrasing.


Speaking of things that might need a tweak or two…


I’m “confused” and “concerned” about what this use of quotes means:

Partial quotes are often used to showcase important vernacular that needs to be captured in an exact way for something to have value:

President Donald Trump said a “herd mentality” would lead to the end of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Judge Leonard Franklin refused to abide by a prosecutor’s suggestion to go easy on convicted molester Carl Joseph, saying a life sentence was fair for a “kid-diddling pedo-freak.”

After his star running back took police on a four-state high-speed chase that ended in a shoot out, Cowpokes head coach James McFeely said the incident was “unfortunate” and “ill-timed.”

They can also be used when something is suspect:

The “fair-trade clause” in the contract actually allowed for additional exploitation of workers in developing countries, the ambassador stated.

After leaving the mechanic, James found that his “fixed” car still had no brakes.

So, explain this usage to me, fans of Hobby Lobby:

I’m uncertain as to why “one” would need to be in quotes here. Is it an allegation of only “one” item or is this some sort of requirement that they purchase the cassette single for this tune from “A Chorus Line?”

It’s not as creepy as if I saw a menu that noted something like Breaded “Chicken” Nuggets or “Beef” Stew, but it’s still kind of creepy.

Speaking of disturbing promotions…


Do we get it in place of, or along with, the snack bags?

It’s likely you’d get COVID-19 anyway on those cigar tubes of recycled air and beer farts, but it’s nice when they promise it to you right up front.


But, if you do get the free COVID, don’t expect Sunshine Bear to come bail you out…

Headline breaks are among the most frequent complaints of journalists, as that one tweak between lines can make a huge difference in what something means. Here’s a simple headline that compares the treatment President Trump got after contracting COVID-19 and that of regular folks:

Most Patients’ COVID -19 Care Bears Little Resemblance to Trump’s

Makes sense until the headline breaks ruin your day:

In case you aren’t a child of the 1980s, these are the “Care Bears,” apparently using their special powers to cure our president:

care bears | Trending Gifs


And finally, here’s a good way to undercut your own argument:

If the world hasn’t ended by then, see you Wednesday.

Vince (a.k.a. The Doctor of Paper)

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