“If you go home hungry or sober, that’s your fault.” (What more do you need from me this semester?)

I grew up with an odd confluence of grandparents who grew up in the Depression, great-grandparents who were first-generation immigrants and family members who believed in the healing power of food. This led to a general fear at most family gatherings that whoever we were hosting hadn’t gotten enough food or drink to satisfy them and that we would somehow look horrible in the eyes of God and mankind.

It’s the reason why whenever we’d plan a party, my parents would have the same argument:

Mom: So what are we going to have to eat?
Dad: I’ve got two dozen brats, two dozen hamburgers, some hot dogs… We’ve got shrimp salad, potato salad, chips, two cakes… You think I should go get a ham or something?
Mom: For God’s sake! Who do you think we’re feeding?
Dad: Well, there’s you, me and the kid! Your mom, my mom… (The list always ended up being the same 12 people, none of whom were competitive eaters…)
Mom: That’s way too much!
Dad: We’ll send it up to Madison if we have leftovers (Meaning, back to college with me; Thus I’d always go home to my apartment with a laundry basket full of food.)

It’s also why my poor mother, 110 pounds soaking wet, would have to slurp down three fingers worth of Rock and Rye out of a mason jar at 10 a.m. while watching holiday parades at my great-grandparents house. It was an insult not to take “something sweet” from those folks in those days, so you did as you were asked and you slept it off later.

Long story short: Not feeling like we have met your needs is anathema to my people. We believe that we should provide you with everything possible to make you feel like your needs were met. The family motto was essentially: If you go home hungry or sober, that’s your fault. We weren’t going to cheat you.

Thus, as the end of the semester comes nigh, I think I’ve hit on most of the big things and small things people wanted to know, but I’m not sure, so TELL ME what I’m missing or what you need. I don’t want you feeling like you went home missing out on something you should have gotten here on the blog.

What should I cover in the last couple weeks of the term? Post below, message me or let me know in some other way.


Vince (aka the Doctor of Paper)

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